


Why Now?

by w_s



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-15 06:54:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8046538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_s/pseuds/w_s
Summary: A sequel to "What Now?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to do a sequel when I wrote the "What Now?" but a couple people requested and inspiration for this first (pretty short) chapter hit me this morning so I thought I should give a sequel a try.

The morning sun shone across Rafael’s face and for a moment he forgot about it all. He forgot that he was stuck in a hospital bed, that his body ached, and that the doctors could only say they were “fairly optimistic” that he would be able to walk again after a lot of physiotherapy. For a moment Rafael forgot about it all. He kept his eyes closed for a moment in hopes of holding onto that feeling of it all being okay. But as he woke up his senses started coming back and he was unable to ignore the sound of the heart monitor beeping steadily or the very distinct smell of hospital in the air. It had only been forty-eight hours since he was shot and yet he felt like before was almost just a dream. Barba opened his eyes and glanced around the room – sitting next to him was Olivia. He smiled the sight of her there. She had barely left his side in the past two days and for that he was so grateful.   
“Hey there,” Olivia said softly when she noticed he was awake. “How are you feeling? Do you need anything?”  
“I’m fine.” He replied. “How are you? Have you slept at all?”   
“I’m fine and yes I’ve slept?”  
“In that chair?” He challenged.   
“I’m fine Barba. I didn’t want to leave you alone.” Olivia replied. “But you have your first round of physio this morning and then your Mother is on her way. So you won’t have to be bothered by me much longer.”  
“It’s not a bother, Liv … it’s really nice actually.” They stared at each other. Olivia reached her hand out and touched Barba’s arm. Barba covered her hand with his. In that moment Barba wanted nothing more than to hold Olivia in his arms and kiss her. It wasn’t the first time Barba had had that impulse but it had never been stronger. Except he couldn’t move closer without too much effort or pain. He thought that he might have seen Olivia start to move her face a little closer but he wasn’t sure because a moment later there was a sharp knock on the door.   
“Lieu? Barba?” Carisi called as he walked into the room. Olivia whipped and straightened up. “I brought coffee!” He said with a large, goofy smile. “How ya feeling, Counsellor?”   
“Fine Carisi.” He muttered taking one of the coffees from Carisi’s outstretched hand. “Thanks, the coffee they give here is practically water.”   
“Well, your physio nurse will be here soon and I should get home.” Olivia announced. “Thanks for the coffee Carisi and take care Barba. I’ll see you soon.”


	2. Chapter 2

After two and a half weeks in the hospital Rafael Barba was finally allowed to go home. Physiotherapy had gone a lot better than expected and while he could only walk using a walker and was still not permitted to go back to work but he was overjoyed at being able to go back home. He hated that hospital room more than he thought he could hate one room and so as they wheeled him into the parking lot he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He knew that being home would be frustrating. He knew that being restricted in his movements and having people constantly check in with him would be frustrating but he was so ready to be out of that hospital. Olivia and his Mother both insisted on accompanying him back to his apartment. His mother fussed over him for a while; making sure that he had enough pillows on his bed and the couch and filling his fridge up with several Tupperware containers of meals she had cooked. Finally, she kissed him on the cheek and left him alone with Olivia but not after she shot him a knowing glance. He hated that glance. He knew that now they were finally alone they had to talk.   
“Why now?” Barba broke the silence that had fallen between the two of them.   
“What do you mean?”  
“Why now, after all of this time are you interested in me?” Barba replied. “I heard you. I was just waking up but I heard you the night I was shot. At first I thought it was a dream but it wasn’t – was it?”  
“Oh well, I guess I didn’t realize my true feelings until you were …”  
“Until I needed saving? Look Liv, I don’t want to be second best. I don’t want to be the person you got with because you thought that I was weak or that I needed saving of some kind and then when that wears off you realize that you weren’t actually interested.”  
“That’s not … that isn’t what this is. Why would you think you’re second best?”  
“Because you were completely into Tucker until I was shot. Because you chose him. Maybe some of that is my fault … I didn’t say anything before. Maybe I took you, our relationship, whatever it was for granted. I take that blame for not saying something before. You chose Tucker. It hurt but I got over it. Eventually, I tried to be friends again and I thought it was going well. Then … I don’t know maybe I should have never gone to the hospital that night Noah was sick. But Liv, I can’t do this. Not like this. Barba swallowed hard. He couldn’t believe he was telling Olivia Benson that he couldn’t be with her. He had spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about Olivia and about how amazing it would be to be with her yet he found himself telling her no. “I think you should go.”   
“I – okay.” Olivia nodded with tears in her eyes. She quietly grabbed her coat and purse and left his apartment.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been three weeks since Barba asked Olivia to leave his apartment. They had not spoken. Neither had reached out. Olivia tried to throw herself into her work and parenting Noah. She only spoke of Barba when it was absolutely necessary and tried not to think of him at all. The squad picked up on this pretty quickly and stopped asking her how he was doing. And after Carisi put his foot in his mouth asking about Tucker they all realized that subject was off-limits too. It hadn’t been difficult to distract herself with work since they had to catch up the temporary ADA on Barba’s cases and the way that SVU ran. Three weeks had passed and Olivia was finally starting to not think about Barba all the time. Three weeks had passed until Barba walked back into the squad room one Friday afternoon. He held a cane but was moving better than expected. He looked a lot healthier than last time she had seen him too – the colour in his face had come back and he had put back on some of the weight he had lost. He was, once again, dressed impeccably in a dark blue three piece suit. Olivia wasn’t sure when he was due to come to back but she sure as hell wasn’t expecting to see him that morning.   
“Barba!” Carisi practically tripped as he shot out of his desk chair and towards the Counsellor. “How are ya feelin?”   
“Fine Carisi, you don’t have to act like I’ve come back from the dead. It’s only been five weeks.”   
“Ya but you were missed. The replacement ADA he’s …” Carisi gestured in replacement of actually saying what he meant and Barba could only assume it meant the new ADA wasn’t up to the squad’s standard.   
“Is Benson in?” Barba asked though he was pretty sure he had seen Olivia standing near the hallway of her office when he arrived the door was now closed and she was nowhere to be seen.   
“In her office.” Carisi replied and quickly walked away. Amanda had warned him to stay away from Barba and Benson for the next little while because she was fairly certain they had some serious issues to work out.   
Barba took a deep breath and made his way towards her office. He wasn’t sure why he had come by. He had worked it out with the DA that on Monday he would be permitted to start working again – though the temporary ADA would stay on to take on some of the workload. Barba was only allowed to come back so soon under the stipulation that he take on a fraction of the cases he used to. There was no reason to come by and explain that to Benson. He could have had Carmen send a memo over or even called himself yet he had made the trip. He had told himself that it was because he was bored to death at home and needed something to do but he knew that was only partially true. After knocking a voice called for him to come in. He found Olivia sitting behind her desk, reading glasses in hand, and piles of paperwork in front of her.   
“Barba, welcome back.” She forced a friendly smile.   
“Thank you, though I’m technically not back until Monday.” Barba sat down though she hadn’t invited him to do so.   
“Shouldn’t you be at home resting in preparation then?”   
“I will but I thought we should talk.” Barba sighed. “But I was probably wrong. I’ll see you Monday.” He began to stand up.   
“Wait,” Olivia put up a hand. “We should talk. I’ve thought a lot about what happened between us and I think for us to continue working together we need to set some boundaries. We need to accept that we are colleagues, okay?”  
“Okay.” Barba stood up and headed towards the door. “By the way I think I forgot to thank you so … thank you for being there.”


	4. Chapter 4

The knock on the door made Barba, who had fallen asleep on his couch, jump a little bit. As he tried to get up he felt a shooting pain up and down his lower back. The sudden noise surprised him but not as much as the fear of whoever was on the other end. His heart pounds. His forehead breaks into a cold sweat. He swallows hard. It has been three months since the last time he was threatened. It has been three months since he was shot. It has been three months and he forgets that he is safe now. It has been three months and while he is able to mostly walk without a cane his body aches. Sleeping on the couch at forty-six is a bad idea. Sleeping on the couch at forty-six after being shot three months before is a horrible idea. His breath is short. There is another knock. “Who is it?” Barba tries to make his voice sound even.   
“It’s Benson.” Barba feels his body start to relax at the sound of Olivia’s voice. Quickly it is replaced by confusion. Confusion as to why she is there at eleven-thirty on a Wednesday night. He opens the door to find Olivia standing awkwardly in the hallway.   
“Is everything okay?” He asks.   
“Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep. Noah is at a sleepover tonight and … I couldn’t sleep.” Something was wrong. He didn’t know what but something was wrong.   
“Come in.” He held the door open and let Olivia inside his apartment. “Have a seat.” She sat on the edge of the couch where minutes ago he had been sleeping. Barba grabbed the cane by the doorway and began to make his way to the kitchen where he grabbed two tumblers and a bottle of scotch. He sat on the other end of the couch and poured them each a glass. Silently, he slid one over to Olivia. She took it and began to sip. They sat and sipped their drinks for a few minutes in silence.   
“So, what’s wrong?” Barba finally broke the silence.   
“I … I don’t know.” Olivia replied.   
“I don’t want to sound rude but why are you here? I thought we weren’t going to do this anymore. I thought we were just colleagues. I thought that’s what you wanted.”  
“I thought it was too but I was wrong.” Olivia sighed. “I keep having nightmares.”   
“Lewis?” Barba asked quietly.   
“No actually.” Olivia closed her eyes. “About Dodds and … you.”  
“Me?”  
“I can’t believe I didn’t know about those threats and I can’t believe that I was right inside and you got shot. I can’t … I can’t believe that I let that happen.” Olivia shook her head.   
“Hey, hey Liv. Don’t do that. Dodds … me …. None of that was your fault. You can’t save the world.” He put her hand on his. Their fingers laced together easily.   
“I’m sorry for coming over this this and putting all of this one you. I should go.” Olivia stood up.   
“Please, stay.” Barba reached out for her arm. “I don’t know why I told you I didn’t want to be with you. I’m sure there are a million reasons a therapist could identify but I want to be with you.” He stood up and placed his arms around her. “Liv, I love you.” The words came out before he could think of what he was saying. He had waited so long to say it. He had been terrified of a relationship with her – with anyone really. He had sworn off relationships years ago. They never worked out for a variety of reasons; he worked too hard, he was too sarcastic, too cocky … the reasons he had been given were endless. The rare time that someone didn’t break up with him he found himself breaking it off. Commitment was not something he did well. He didn’t think it was something he wanted. Yet, he was saying words that I had only said twice in his life. Both times he was young and infatuated. This was different. His love for Olivia had grown overtime. He had tried to fight it. Tried to deny it. He couldn’t anymore. He couldn’t pretend anymore.   
The words hung in the air for a moment. Barba opened his mouth to apologize or deny it or say something to recover it but he didn’t have a chance. Olivia’s lips brushed his. Soft and brief but electrifying.   
“I love you too Rafael.”


End file.
